It sucks being Cinderella

It sucks being Cinderella. I feel like the ugly, unwanted step child. It didn't used to be this way. What the hell happend? I've been there longer than anyone else (except for one director) 12 years! Doesn't that count for something? NO. I am responsible, dependable and will always do what's right. Doesn't that count for something? NO. I definitely don't belong there anymore. I used to have friends at work. They all left me. They were smart and got the hell out of there. I am stuck. For now. Hopefully not much longer. The last slap in the face I got was being handed a pile of bonus checks that I must hand out to my co-workers tomorrow. Not only am I one of the few that didn't get a bonus check (or a raise this year). I have to hand everyone else their bonus checks. What the hell. Are you serious? I am supposed to just smile and be grateful for my job? Not anymore. I just can't be. I hate them. I hate one person in particular. Ever since he started working there things have been different for me. It only takes one person to fuck up your life and make you miserable. You can't tell me that everyone else deserved a bonus except for me. That's just not true. Thank God I don't know how much the bonuses are. I'm sure that would be even more upsetting. I can understand directors getting bonus checks for the extra hours they put in during conference time but not same level employees that have worked there only a few years and play games on their computers all day. Seriously, life is not fair. I really wanted to walk out today. Just quit. Not give them any notice and leave. But I am afraid to make such a big decision right now. The economy is tough. I would have trouble finding a new job right now. My husband and I have dreams and these will never be fulfilled if I give up now. We are so close. So take your fucking bonus checks and shove them up your ass! I don't want your dirty money. I don't need it. I have so much more than that in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and really great friends and an awesome Dad. That's all I need. It's not even about the money. Sure, it would be nice to have a little extra cash like everyone else to make up for the lack of a raise this year. But I am not on that list. I somehow got on the shit list. The step child that nobody likes. That's fine. The feeling is mutual. I don't like you either. I will tolerate you a little longer and then I'm outta there. I must remind myself that the story Cinderella has a happy ending. I hope that's how this ends for me. Happily.

Happy fat?

I have what they call "happy fat". I'm in love and newly married therefore I am fat and happy. I was fat before when I wasn't happy so I guess that was sad fat. I am just fat. What makes me sad is that I had lost a lot of weight a few years back. I worked really hard at it. I felt much better and I was so proud of myself. But to keep eating well and exercising for life just wasn't going to happen. Not for me. I am naturally fat. I love to eat and I have cravings for certain foods that I just HAVE TO HAVE. I'm also lazy and would much rather sit on my ass watching TV or sit at my computer and surf the web. I was motivated a couple of months ago. Even finally bought a treadmill. I have nowhere to put it so it's taking up half of my living room looking lovely facing the TV ready for use. I've been on it once. What is wrong with me? Seriously. If I can't exercise in my own living room then all my other excuses go out the door. Like I hate exercising in front of others. Or I hate going to a gym and finding parking and oh so many other excuses I have saved in my brain for instant use.

Lately my back has been killing me. It must be from the extra weight I've gained since my wedding 6 months ago. I've never been small but I was smaller at the time. I had a dress to fit in to. I had to stay the same and not gain anything until after the wedding. Well, I have! I have gained about 20 more pounds. I went a little crazy choosing to eat just about anything I wanted whenever I wanted. My husband loves me no matter what right? He says I'm not fat, I'm his beautiful wife. That is so sweet! But not at all motivating for someone that will find any excuse NOT to diet and exercise. I love him but that just isn't going to cut it.

So here I sit with an ice pack on the lower right side of my back. It's not really helping much but I don’t know what else to do. I also took some back pain pills. I hope they help! I must remember this pain the next time I want to eat something I shouldn't. Which will be soon knowing me. I must remember this pain if I'm going to ever at least take off enough weight to at least feel better. I may not look much better but I will feel better and as I age, this is very important. I keep forgetting that I'm approaching 40. What? The big 4-0!! How can that be?

I'm thinking low carb might be my best choice. Nothing too extreme because then I definitely won't be able to hack it. Low carb is what I’m going to try. And I will force myself to walk a few times a week and maybe do some stretches. That's a good start right? Nobody else is going to do this for me.

Great, now I’m hungry!

The Other Side

I've always wondered about the other side. Does it exist? Can we connect to it? Can we get the answers and closure we need from a loved one who has passed away? The answer is YES! I was one of the many skeptical people out there. I needed to see proof. It's probably just a bunch of bologna. It can't be real. Well it's REAL.

I started watching a show called Lisa Williams: Life Among the Dead at the suggestion of my friend. I didn't know what to expect but thought I'd give it a try. Wow! Was I impressed. So impressed that I looked into getting my own reading with Lisa Williams. Of course, do to her popularity, she isn't accepting appointments. Another friend of mine suggested a psychic medium named Joanna. Out of curiosity I set up a phone reading with her. I had to wait about a month for the appointment but it was well worth it! It started out slow. I thought I was getting someone else's reading. I didn't recognize any of the names she was giving me. I was completely confused and quickly getting disappointed. Finally after about 10 or 15 minutes Joanna said these are not the people you wanted to be in contact with are they? I said no, I don't know any of the names you are saying. She said she would ask them to please leave so the loved ones I wanted to have contact with could come through. I was starting to think this was all hogwash at this point and was so disappointed but I was still open to anything that might happen. Suddenly she tells me there is a female presence right above you. Spooky! I was hoping it was my mother but didn't want to get too excited. Joanna says she keeps insisting I ask you about the pearl earrings. Does anybody have pearl earrings? She won't move on until I mention the pearl earrings she says. OH MY GOD!!! I was wearing my mother's pearl earrings. I told Joanna this and then started to cry. This was real… ok, now you've got my attention. She said she says you should wear them more often. A lot was said during my reading. Some of it I didn't understand but a lot of it I did. I was able to get the closure I needed about my mother's death. She said it was over quickly and it wasn't painful. I had always wondered about that. She said she didn't blame me for leaving that weekend before she died even though she had asked me to stay with her. I had carried that guilt with me for 18 years! Do you know a Michael? There is someone who had a stroke and I keep feeling the signs of a heart attack. Michael is my boyfriend's father who died of a stroke and heart attack!!! Wow! He decides to come through and he has a few things to say. She asks if I have a sister. No. Is there anybody who is pregnant and expecting soon? YES… my boyfriend's sister is 7 months pregnant. Well Michael says he is very happy about this and he is beaming about the pregnancy. Wow… again. This is crazy! I ask if my mom likes my boyfriend. Yes, she likes Rob and Rob's dad (Michael) likes you and they really like you both together and they will be there on your wedding day. Unbelievable! Is anybody engaged she asks. Well, we have been talking about getting married next year. I tell her I got my dress last night but no official engagement. Well they will be there on your wedding day and you have their blessing. Wow again… I mean how much can one person take? It was a wonderful experience. I was sobbing though most of it by the end. I was also shaking. It was such a weird experience. A good but weird experience. It even made a believer out of my skeptical boyfriend.

Just knowing that my mother died quickly and without pain after having such a painful life is very comforting. Knowing she doesn't blame me for her death and that she likes my boyfriend is also wonderful. A gift I will appreciate for the rest of my life.


Written December 2007

Scary shit!

I just had one of my scariest moments ever! We were watching TV around 10 pm when someone knocked on our door. It's late. This doesn't normally happen. It's a police officer telling us we have to leave right away. There is a mandatory evacuation order for our building and the buildings around us because there is a guy in the building right behind mine with explosives. WHAT??? So I'm scared to death imagining a big explosion and my place with everything I own in it burning to the ground. I'm quickly trying to get dressed and shove my cats into their carriers. Husband, cats and purse. That's all I could grab. Imagine this going on in just a few minutes time not knowing what is going to happen or how long we will need to be gone or if there will even be a place to come back to. Yah I was scared to death. We carry our meowing cats (my babies) to the car and pull out of the parking structure and under the yellow caution tape being held up by a police officer. They had to close off the alley behind my condo complex. I really want to move now. Even more than before. We drive around not knowing where to go. I want to stay close enough to watch and see or hear if anything happens. I'm trying to figure out if we should get a hotel room. The cats need food, water and kitty litter. Oh this was way too stressful for me. Luckily we were only sitting in the car at the nearby Burger King parking lot for about 30 minutes before we drove by and saw that they were taking the yellow tape down and we could return home. Whew!!! That was a close one. I start crying because I'm so relieved. But now I'm sitting safely in my living room realizing there is a guy living in the building right behind mine who has explosives! What the hell? I'm wondering when he will get out of jail and if he will do anything stupid when he returns home. This is scary. Very unsettling. I just want to leave this neighborhood. It's going downhill fast. For now I will just hope and pray that nothing else happens and that we are safe and my kitties are safe. That is all that really matters in life.

The new do

I did it... cut most of my hair off. Rob's first reaction was "You didn't tell me you were doing that!" I didn't know I was doing it. I decided while I was at the salon. I needed a change. I like it! I think Rob is starting to like it or at least he's getting used to it. I sometimes miss being able to put my hair up. Hmmm what's a girl to do?

Waiting

I wait and wait for things that I really, really want. Like a new job or to just leave the one I have. I've been there for 12 years now. It is not the same job anymore. I've survived many changes over the years like my duties, bosses and desks but I think I have reached my limit of change. My job has outgrown me and I spend everyday waiting to get the hell out of there. I'm in over my head and that's the truth. I am counting down the days until I can say goodbye for good. They won't realize just how much I do until I'm gone. I wish I could be a fly on the wall after I leave. That would be awesome. Watch everything not get done. Watch them say over and over again that Tracy did that. Watch my replacement struggle to learn my job and have nobody to train them. She can listen to my new boss ask my old boss (I have 2 bosses because I'm just that lucky) at least 10 million questions a day. She can listen to her bay buddy get bitchy with people on the phone all day long and say shit, shit, shit over and over again. Actually that is kinda entertaining. She can have everybody ask her where Jeff is and tell them she doesn't know over and over again. You would think these people would learn that I really don't know where he is. He does not tell me where he is going. He never has and he never will. Get a clue! Why is it that people who have worked there for years still don't know how to do their expense report or how to fill out an out of office request form? They are not new employees. They really should know how to do these very simple things by now. It just blows me away! The best thing about my job is my paycheck and it's the ONLY reason I'm there. The minute I can break free I will. Soon??? Please...