Hoping for a hemorrhoid

It's time. Time to face my BIGGEST FEAR ever! I have to have a colonoscopy. I have symptoms that are raising red flags and need further investigation. We need to rule out the bad stuff like colon cancer, rectal cancer, crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis and irritable bowel syndrome. I've had abdominal pain for a week now and bleeding off and on for a month. Plus other lovely things that go on daily that I won't get in to here. Being abnormal is normal to me.

My mother had crohn's disease. She died when she was only 42. I was 19. I spent my entire childhood worrying about her and watching her suffer horribly. I saw her lose weight, vomit uncontrollably, have over 20 surgeries and deal with a colostomy bag. She had tumors and ulcers and was in a coma for 3 days. She went through hell. I went through hell with her. The thought of me ever being sick, terminally ill, terrifies me to tears.

So I must have a colonoscopy whether I want one or not. I am hoping it's just a hemorrhoid that is causing the bleeding. I am hoping it's just irritable bowel causing the pain but I am scared to death that it's more than that. That it's something that will torture me and eventually kill me someday.

I have my consultation appointment with doctor number 2 tomorrow and I think I'll make my colonoscopy appointment then. Sounds like a blast! I can't eat at all the day before. I can only drink water. I will also have to drink something that makes me clean my intestines out and they might give me an additional enema before the procedure. Oh what fun!