Happy New Year!

Please God let 2011 be a better year than 2010.

Mom

2010 Year in Photos

2010 ~ My Year According to Facebook

They have no freaking idea.

Over the past few months I have been poked, prodded and scanned. It has been anything but fun. First I had an upper abdominal ultrasound. Then I was sent to a liver and gastro specialist who wanted to do a colonoscopy. This was followed by an abdominal CT scan. I also had to see a urologist. They did an ultrasound of my bladder and kidneys. Today I had a cystoscopy so they could look inside my bladder. I was awake for it. Oh my God... not fun at all. I am now finding it hard to sit and it burns very badly when I urinate. I hope this burning painful feeling goes away soon because it sucks.

All of these tests have turned up NOTHING. Nothing? Yes, nothing is apparently wrong with me even though I do have a slightly elevated white blood count which means my body is fighting 'something'. I also have microscopic hematuria which is blood in my urine that can't be seen. I forgot! I do have something. I have an enlarged fatty liver which is probably pretty common and nothing to worry about. I just have to lose weight. Good luck with that!

I suppose I should be happy nothing horrific has been found and I am. I'm relieved and grateful but I'm also annoyed because I just went through all of these sucky tests to learn nothing is wrong with me. This is obviously good news. Much better than being told you have cancer or something miserable like that but I'm also still left wondering what's wrong. Why does it feel like I have something on the right side of my abdomen? Why does it bother me more when I bend forward or clean the house? Why do I have blood in my urine and why is my white blood count elevated? Why? Nobody knows. I am happy and I am sad. I want some answers even if they are bad because at least I would have some answers.

It seems to me like doctors do their usual tests and if they don't see the obvious things they look for then they tell you you're fine. They don't investigate further. I'm not there for the fun of it. I have something wrong with me and I want some answers. Not just some more bills to pay.

Not fun. Not fun at all!

I never want to do that again. Prepping for my colonoscopy was horrible. Really bad. The first few hours of running to the bathroom was fine but 12 hrs of this was a bit much. Not to mention that my butt felt like it was on fire and sharp razorblades were shooting out of it. The actual colonoscopy was easy. They put me to sleep and then I woke up crying (weird) but it was over. I was a bit out of it for the rest of the day. My intestines felt strange and full of air. The results of the biopsies were good. Nothing horrible found. No loops or kinks in my intestines. No polyps, and most importantly NO Crohn's Disease. This is what my mother had and I've always feared I would also have it. So that's good news except I still don't know what is wrong with me. What is this 'thing' I feel on the right side of my abdomen? What the hell is it? It's nothing that shows up in a colonoscopy, ultrasound or a CT scan. This is very frustrating.

I do, however, have blood in my urine. I can't see it but it's there. This is called Microscopic Hematuria. I've had 3 urine tests and they always find blood. It's a symptom of something. I also have a slightly elevated white blood count. The next step is to have a lovely test called a Cystoscopy where they will insert a scope into my urethra up into my bladder looking for cancer and other possible things that could be causing blood in my urine. Can this all just be over with now? This will be done on 11/30/10. I am currently enjoying a small break from doctor's appointments and tests.

Boo!

Happy Halloween 2010!

God

When God leads you to the end of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go, either one of two things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly.

Happy 10-10-10

Today is 10-10-10. This day only happens every 1000 years! Kinda cool.

Scared

I'm scared. Who wouldn't be right? This upcoming week on October 14th I am having my first colonoscopy. Why am I so lucky to have one at age 40 instead of 50 you ask? Well... because I'm having some pain and discomfort and because my mother had Crohn's Disease and my father recently had pre-cancerous polyps removed. So I've got to go through the lovely prep the day before when I starve myself on a liquid diet while cleaning myself out with three different OTC laxatives. Oh joy! Then I read horror stories about people who feel the exam while it's going on or wake up in the middle of the procedure. Or the doctor makes a mistake and they end up with a perforated colon and are rushed into emergency surgery. I can only hope and pray for the best and that this won't happen to me.

So ya... I'm scared.

I have a headache and it's thiiis big and it has Excedrin written all over it.

I have had an Excedrin headache since I was a teenager. I am now 40. I have this unique problem. Every time I eat something I get a headache. Lucky me. So after several doctors have told me to stop taking it I am finally really trying to do so. I pretty much have a headache all the time as I taper myself off of this fabulous pain killer. It does a good job but it is also hurting the rest of me in the process. My liver, my intestines and who knows what else. Why can't anything be easy and why can't anything be fair? I did not ask to have this strange food allergy. I didn't ask for my body to become dependent on this wonderful aspirin and caffeine filled tablet. It's just how it is and it kinda sucks. I am working hard at getting off of them though and my head is not amused. I have gone from 6-8 a day (told the doctor 5-6 a day) to 2 a day and I'm hoping to get to 1 a day next week and then hopefully none. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and all while I'm worrying that there may be a tumor/mass growing inside of my abdomen. A fun as hell colonoscopy is scheduled for October 14th. The doctor thinks that maybe my large intestine is kinked or looped or whatever. Sounds like surgery to me. But I'm thinking if it's not that then I have something growing inside of me. I think it's been growing a while and I think it's getting big and that's why I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable. Now, to just get the doctors to believe me.

Oh and I have a liver update (my previous post). My liver is enlarged but not to the point that I need to have a biopsy. The doctor thinks it's my intestines instead that are causing me pain. This isn't cool either. I really don't know which is worse of the two evils. Or three evils since I think something is growing in there and causing it. It all sucks if you ask me.

Sigh.

Liver and onions... cause this just stinks!

Actually, no onions but I thought the title was cute. I just found out I have an enlarged liver. Kinda sucks. I'm really freaked out. I've been experiencing some discomfort for awhile (years) now and finally went to the doctor for it because it felt like it might be getting worse. Or at least more noticeable. After an ultrasound was done it was found that my liver is enlarged and fatty... like me. It's called NASH. I might have to have a liver biopsy. I'm really scared to have a biopsy. Overly frighted, want to run for the hills kinda scared. I am meeting with a liver specialist tomorrow. In the mean time I am eating better and trying to lose weight and tapering off my Excedrin addiction or dependency that I've had since I was a teen. I don't like taking so many everyday but when it's the only thing that helps and your only other alternative is to become a non-functioning vegetable sleeping in a dark room with a pounding headache... you take the Excedrin.

Wish me luck. I think I'm gonna need it. I am scared shit less for tomorrow's doctor appointment.

Talking cats are entertaining!

Fire!!!

This is what we saw as we drove away with just a few belongings and our two cats. Really? Is this really, seriously happening? Yes, it was. We haven't even lived in our new house an entire year yet but we have already had a fire coming down the hill towards our neighborhood. Unbelievable!

The Leona Valley Crown Fire started late Thursday afternoon, July 29, 2010. Only a few hours after spotting the smoke off in the distance and hearing on the news that there was in fact a fire nearby did we get evacuated. Mandatory evacuation! I can't even describe how scary it was. Running around trying to collect a few irreplaceable items like old photos, jewelry, paperwork and of course the kitties. The poor kitties didn't know what was going on. We left not knowing if we'd have a house when we returned. Thank God we did! The firemen did an awesome job and we can never express our appreciation enough. We were away from home for two nights. Watched the news nonstop, worried and waited. We are so happy to be home now and hope nothing else happens. We've had enough excitement to last us awhile.

No Job, Less Blog

Without a job, I have less to blog (bitch) about so things are a little slow here on the blog front. Sorry I'm so boring. The biggest thing I have to bitch about right now is NOT having a job.

I recently found out that MI finally replaced me a few weeks ago. You mean I'm not irreplaceable? I'm sure they are happy now with someone in that position who has an accounting background. When I started working there 13 years ago there was no need for my position to know accounting at all... and I didn't. But with the many changes in that department over the years that job outgrew me.

I really do like staying home but one day leads to the next and week after week goes by and I wonder if I will ever find something new? I am full of self doubt and that's not good. There really should be some kind of 'work at home' job out there that's real and legitimate. I don't know what direction to go in so I just stand (sit) still and wait for the answers to come to me. I hope I'm not waiting forever. I think the longer it takes the harder it will be for me to find a new job. I need to get over my fear and fast!

When people ask me "So what do you do for work" I really must come up with a different answer than "Ummmm nothing right now". My husband says when it's time for me to go back to work it will happen. I hope he's right. I have my doubts. I wish I could just ENJOY the time off but that's hard for me to do when I don't know what the future holds. I wish I would just wake up one morning with all of the answers.

What's Your Poo Telling You?

It's telling me to go to the doctor. It's telling me that something is wrong with me but I'm too afraid. Too afraid to go find out what's wrong. I've been messed up for a long time now. It's actually 'normal' for things to be wrong. I just get used to the many trips to the bathroom and the strange feeling in my stomach. I'm most concerned with a pain I've had in my abdomen. It's a dull pain. Sometimes it feels like it's moving around or pulling. It's hard to explain but it's not right. I keep imagining that there is a tumor growing inside me. I am actually pretty damn sure there is something there. I have convinced myself there is. So much so that I'm too afraid to go find out. Then I start to wonder if I'm imagining all of this? I'm not. I know I'm not. I know something is wrong. I know what I have to do. But FEAR keeps me from doing it. FEAR makes me do nothing. FEAR will probably kill me.

I should read this everyday!

Going over the hill...

Tomorrow, March 26, is my 40th Birthday. Yes, you read that right... my FORTIETH birthday. The BIG 4-0. Seriously, am I really turning 40 tomorrow? Yes, yes I am. I know nothing will change, it won't feel different and it's really not that big of a deal so why am I slightly freaked out by the fact that I'm turning 40 tomorrow? I guess I should just shut up and be grateful that I have lived this long. Being 40 seemed so old when I was 20. Not as old when I was 30 and now it's just old. If I feel like this now, how am I going to feel when I turn 50?

Happy Birthday to me!

Pushy

I just started selling AVON and I don't want to be pushy but I need to get the word out. I don't want to shove it down my friend's throats at all. I hate when that is done to me so I'm really trying hard to avoid doing that but DON'T tell me you are going to buy something and then don't. Don't say you love Avon and can't wait to order and then don't. Don't lie to me. I'd rather you say nothing at all or tell me you can't buy anything right now or tell me to leave you the hell alone but DON'T tell me you will buy something and then do nothing. That really irks me. There is no excuse for that. Just tell me the truth. Tell me you hate Avon, that's fine. Just don't tell me you like it and will be my customer because then it's just a big F'ing disappointment!

I joined... now order!

Avon calling!

I'm thinking about selling Avon. I can at least start with that while I figure out what else I can do and where I can get a part-time job. Now if I could only get the rep to call me back! Hopefully I'll hear from her soon and hopefully it won't cost much to join and hopefully I will like it and do well at it... hopefully.

CALL me back already!

Fuck Cancer

My uncle's kidney cancer is back. I thought his last surgery, just a few months ago, would buy him more time but I'm shocked to find out it's back. Again, already! How is that possible? He's still recovering from his last surgery. This is too soon. This isn't fair. Life is so unfair. How are you supposed to be positive when something so horrible just keeps knocking you down before you can even get strong enough to try fighting it? This is a very sad Valentine's Day. I hope he hasn't completely given up.

Be My Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love you xoxo

Farewell... goodbye!

Today was my last day at the Milken Institute and it was bittersweet. I couldn't wait to leave but at the same time I'd been there for such a long time that it was really strange knowing I wouldn't be returning next week. That my desk was no longer my desk. That my slow ass computer was no longer my computer and that I had to hand over my office keys and parking card. Totally weird!

The day started out fine. I had a nervous stomach all morning. I hate not having control over that! I try and self talk and calm myself down but to no avail. Surprisingly, I had a good last day. People were really nice to me. I got alot of unwanted attention but I must admit it was nice. To know that a few people actually cared a little bit about me. I have always felt like an outsider there. More and more lately. So to suddenly feel 'liked' was odd. With the exception of a few, the friends I had made at work left years ago.

So wish me luck. I'm on to the next chapter of my life.

Approaching the BIG 4-0

After much consideration we have decided to have my 40th birthday at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlour. Remember those? I have such fond memories of attending birthday parties there when I was a kid. We originally were going to have a nice, somewhat fancy dinner at a restaurant at The Grove. That is still what I really want to do but I don't want to spend the $600 plus dollars it would cost to do it. So our second choice is Turning 40 at Farrell's! It will cost less and it's still fun but in a different way. This Farrell's is inside a place called Mountasia. There is miniature golf, bumper cars, and go carts. So I will just be a big 40 year old kid at my party.

AND I can't believe I'm going to be 40 freaking years old! Are you kidding me!

Snow in sunny California?

Now I've seen everything! It's pretty but making my work commute even more hellish than it already is.

Is that possible? YES!

Adios!

I did it. I resigned. I gave two weeks notice so my last day will be January 29th. I wonder where I will end up? I wonder how long I will be without a job? I am fortunate to be able to do this. Rob is working full-time and I sold my condo so I feel secure enough to venture out and take a chance. I don't take chances very often so when I do it's a big deal. Change can be scary.

I have been collecting these sayings. I like them. They make me feel better, more positive and hopeful, which is not the usual me.

"Without change there would be no butterflies."

"Many rivers lead to one ocean. Remember there is always another way to achieve your goals!"

Stick a fork in me!

Stick a fork in me, I'm done! Done with my job. I'm at that fork in the road wondering which is the best (safest, smartest, happiest) way to go. I have hated it there for such a long time. Too many years to count. Now on top of that I have an additional boss to Jeff and they are hiring another accounting geek/manager for me to assist. Poor me, I know. But this is not what I signed up for. When you hate everyone and everything about your job it makes it REALLY difficult to go in everyday.

Well, the real kicker happened last night. Jeff unloads a pile of shit on me on his way out the door for the evening. I will have to do a big annual vendor filing project NOW instead of in 3 months when it is always done. As luck would have it our fiscal year has changed to 12/31. It's alot of work and makes my back and fingers hurt (from making and lifting file folders) and I dread it every year. And to top it off they are changing the entire chart of accounts and accounting program MAS90. What? No F'ing way am I going to stick around and have to learn all that shit when I already have 1 foot out the door.

It also doesn't help that my commute has doubled after buying our house. I'm on the road for 4 or more hours a day to go someplace I can't stand and do things I hate to do. What kind of quality of life is that?

So I think this is it. Hopefully the condo escrow will close next week so I can give my notice. I think 13 years of misery is enough don't you?