2009 in a nutshell.

Stressed the F out!

Life has been stressful lately. I keep telling myself it could always be worse and it could but man... can I get a break already?

The first offer on the condo fell through. The buyer was not doing whatever they were supposed to be doing in a timely manner so they bailed. Luckily there was another buyer still interested in the condo so that was good. Now we will see what happens. Lots of stress concerning the condo like fixing things and real estate taxes and lots of other 'fun' things that I don't understand. It's so freaking frustrating!

Now my uncle, who has to sign all of the condo paperwork, is in the hospital! He had kidney cancer last year and had one of his kidneys removed. Now only 40% of his remaining kidney is working and he is losing lots of blood but they don't know where it's going. They are going to do tests to see if he has colon cancer. It's all very sad and stressful. My mind is spinning. What if he is unable to sign all of the condo related paperwork. Then what? Sometimes I just want to hide under a rock.

There are so many stressful things happening right now. Not only for me but for others I know. I don't know what it is about the holidays. They are supposed to be a joyful time but in reality the end of the year has not been very good for me. My mother died right after Thanksgiving. My grandpa died on New Years. I will never forget having to shop for a black dress for my mother's funeral and hearing holiday music playing in all of the stores and watching everyone be so happy. My mother had just died! Didn't anybody know this? Didn't anybody care? No, they did not.

Rob says I need to stop stressing. I need to just realize that these things are out of my control and just relax and see what happens. Sure... if only it was in my nature to do so! I'm trying.

Goodbye Condo, Hello House!

20134 Leadwell Street, #333

Winnetka, CA 91306

$155,000 - 2 bedroom, 2 bath

884 sq feet

Goodbye condo. You've been good to me. I lived in you for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS!!! I'm 39 so that's half my life. We received several offers right after you went on the market and now we will go through escrow so I can make some money and stop paying for you. That would be really nice! But I am sad. It was sad seeing you empty. I was not expecting to feel so many things but I know it's for the best. I hope your new owners take good care of you. I will miss you and will keep the many memories with me forever.

Forever and ever like it or not... aka "I do, yes".

My husband means EVERYTHING to me. We are no longer newlyweds. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. Wow, that was fast! How the hell did that happen? We have accomplished alot in the last year. Putting big red check marks on our Dream To Do List as we go. Our biggest dream, other than meeting each other, was fulfilled recently when we purchased our first home together. Neither one of us ever thought we'd be married or own a house and look at us now.

Along with all these wonderful dreams come some not so wonderful stress and change and problems and more stress. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap... and I do or I should say we do. We snap at each other alot lately and this makes me sad. So I cry like a big baby and I feel sorry for myself. Then I get mad at myself for doing this because I should only be happy and grateful. I have everything I've ever wanted. So what gives? Well, I've never been so tired in all my life. I'm sure that has something to do with it. I don't handle being tired very well. And there are alot of unknowns and new bills and new things to learn and deal with and I guess I don't handle those things very well either. Lord knows I'm trying!

So here we are, 1 year later and things are very different but one thing remains the same. . . Our love.

I'm still here!

It's been so long since I've blogged. I'm still here. Actually, I'm usually on the freeway sitting in traffic for over 2 hours to get to work and 2 hours to get home. It's my worst nightmare! But as my husband says, it's a means to an end. I wish it would end. And soon! This is week 2 of the horrid commute from hell. Yesterday was the worst so far. It took me 2 hrs and 45 mins to get to work! Can you believe that? Almost 3 hrs to go someplace I don't even want to be. Insane! Now, if the roads looked like the lovely picture above then that wouldn't be so bad but that is not what I see. I see brake lights and lots of them. Woe is me.

On a much happier note, the house is coming along nicely. Slower than I would like it to. Having money to do things is always an issue but we are making it nicer and it's feeling more like home everyday. My kitties, Sam & Sophie, are getting used to it. Sophie was much quicker than Sam at liking her new digs. Sam tortured me yowling nightly and keeping me awake the first week. He's better now thank God and dare I say, he is actually starting to like it. He has more room and an exciting birdie show to watch every morning as he lounges on his (my) bed. Lucky bastard.

So all in all the transition is going smoothly. A few more big things need to happen soon... like selling the condo. The sooner the better. I really hope it doesn't sit on the market for months. We have to pay for both places until it sells so SELL SELL SELL.

Our first home!

I'm excited and scared! Escrow closed yesterday and recorded today so we officially own our first home. Now the FUN begins. So much to do that I am once again overwhelmed. Hopefully we can handle it all. Not looking forward to my commute that has just gotten even worse, if that's possible. I will do what I need to do to have this gorgeous perfect house that we have dreamed about for years now. Isn't it cute?

InSaNe

The paperwork is insane and apparently never ending! Just when I think I've done everything I need to do and given them everything they have asked for... they need something else. I had NO idea buying a house would be this complicated. I knew it was a big deal and would require some credit checks and signatures but this is crazy... seriously crazy. Completely insane! I can't believe so many people have gone through this before us. It MUST be more difficult now after the whole mess with the banks giving anybody a loan. I can't believe it's always been this difficult. Not possible.

Luckily we are nearing the end. I think. I hope. We are going to go sign the final loan documents tomorrow night. I thought that was it but nope, there are still more hoops to jump through and more things to wait for. Seriously insane. But we do see the light at the end of the tunnel so this is encouraging.

And to think this is just the beginning of a long road that we couldn't wait to travel on. It is exciting and stressful and nerve wracking as hell. The fear of the unknown is killing me. But I must just jump in and believe that whatever happens is supposed to happen and that we are going to be ok. Change scares me. This is a super huge change with alot of decisions to make. After the house sale is final I will have to concentrate on selling the condo. I worry about this also. What if it takes a long time to sell? It really needs to happen within a few months for this to be somewhat manageable.

Until then, I will dream of our big house and how we plan to furnish it and landscape it and feel at home in it.

Keep your sick ass home!

Stay home you sick jerks who feel it necessary to bring your contagious asses to work so you can cough and sneeze all over me! It's not like I have a choice and can leave the office. I have to sit here and take it. I have to sit here and let you breathe, hack and sneeze all over me. I want to punch you people in the face. You have offices. Close your door and keep your sick ass in there! Don't come out and cough all over the place. You annoy me enough when you aren't sick so you can only imagine how I feel about you when you are sick. Maybe try washing your hands once in awhile. Just a suggestion.

Poor kitties

My poor kitties. They are getting older and it shows. They have been my babies for 14 years now. I am way too attached to them. I love them so much... too much. Lately they have been having alot of health issues. I guess most of it is just their age showing. I wonder how long they will live, which one will leave me first? It's so depressing.

Tonight was especially hard. Sophie was throwing up while Sam was having diarrhea. Not fun for them or me! Anyway, I love them so much and will take the best care of them that I can. Hopefully things won't get too difficult. I hope they still have many years ahead of them. There will never again be another Sam & Sophie.

We're in escrow!!!

We are so excited! This is the house we will be moving in to in about a month. It's our dream house!

Even shorter!

I had my hair cut even shorter today. I love it. Rob says it's 'sassy'.

CIGNA sucks!

Luckily my stomach pain has improved and we are thinking I must have a torn muscle wall. We also figured out what the bleeding was. Nothing too serious. But with my constant stomach ailments and family history of intestinal problems my doctor thought it was best if I have a CT scan first before possibly having a colonoscopy. A CT scan is less invasive and can see things that might be going on other than in the intestines such as my liver, gallbladder etc. CIGNA did not agree and would not approve my CT scan. CIGNA is making me hate them EVEN MORE than I did before.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I am happy I have insurance. I know not everybody does and things could be worse but the whole insurance propaganda bullshit is starting to get to me.


Here is an interesting article:

LIVING WITH CANCER, DYING WITH
INSURANCE.

A very long month ago, I woke up in my sunny Brooklyn apartment with this thought: I am going to die. The next thought was no less comforting: I am dying.

I am turning thirty in a few days, but i have had cancer for ten years. I went for my regular test at Sloan-Kettering a month ago, and I thought to myself over and over before submitting to the general anesthesia, "All I want for my 30th birthday is a clean scan. Good news, good news, good new--" and that's where I stop remembering. When I came to, four hours later, some part of my brain was still repeating "Good news good news good news." But I was wrong.

I found out that I have to start chemotherapy again. I remember 2001, having a biopsy of a large tumor in my hip joint on my birthday. I remember singing a dirge-like "Happy Birthday" under my breath to myself, alone with the doctors, shaking uncontrollably from the medication coursing through my veins in that freezing cold operating room.

But it was not having cancer for a decade, not finding out I had more cancer after already dealing with cancer every day, that made me think I was dying.

I was wondering how to pay Oxford.

A month ago, I did not know what would happen if I lost my medical insurance. Maintaining it seemed so necessary, it had such a stranglehold on my life, that it was and is all that I think about. My coverage was running out fast. Without it, and with my bank account already drained from a year and a half of COBRA payments, I thought the only possible resolution to my situation was that I would slip through the cracks, and I would die. Now, I was looking at an individual insurance policy on the open market and finding it would cost $2,600 a month. Now, I was talking to a social worker who told me I would have to move into a shelter to qualify for Medicaid.

And now, I was talking to a woman in Arkansas on the phone, whom I called as part of a phone bank to urge her to call her senator, Blanche Lincoln, and ask her to support a public opinion. Now I listened as she told me that she "did not believe in anything Obama stood for "and that the answer to my predicament was not the government insuring it's citizens, treating health care as a UNIVERSAL HUMAN RIGHT, but instead that God would help me.

I don't exactly know why I can live and thrive with cancer, but am reduced to such unadulterated fear when it comes to maintaining my insurance coverage. Having cancer? I've been brave and strong and fierce. Losing the only way to maintain my fleeting health? I can't face it. I'm reading this blog, reading about people who have died because they do not have insurance, who have died trying. Will I be one of them?

Hoping for a hemorrhoid

It's time. Time to face my BIGGEST FEAR ever! I have to have a colonoscopy. I have symptoms that are raising red flags and need further investigation. We need to rule out the bad stuff like colon cancer, rectal cancer, crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis and irritable bowel syndrome. I've had abdominal pain for a week now and bleeding off and on for a month. Plus other lovely things that go on daily that I won't get in to here. Being abnormal is normal to me.

My mother had crohn's disease. She died when she was only 42. I was 19. I spent my entire childhood worrying about her and watching her suffer horribly. I saw her lose weight, vomit uncontrollably, have over 20 surgeries and deal with a colostomy bag. She had tumors and ulcers and was in a coma for 3 days. She went through hell. I went through hell with her. The thought of me ever being sick, terminally ill, terrifies me to tears.

So I must have a colonoscopy whether I want one or not. I am hoping it's just a hemorrhoid that is causing the bleeding. I am hoping it's just irritable bowel causing the pain but I am scared to death that it's more than that. That it's something that will torture me and eventually kill me someday.

I have my consultation appointment with doctor number 2 tomorrow and I think I'll make my colonoscopy appointment then. Sounds like a blast! I can't eat at all the day before. I can only drink water. I will also have to drink something that makes me clean my intestines out and they might give me an additional enema before the procedure. Oh what fun!

I don't hate Kate

I don't hate Kate (of John & Kate + 8) like so many others do. I'm surprised that most of my friends think she's horrendous and deserves the misery she's living in right now. I don't. I know she can be bitchy but what wife isn't a BIOTCH sometimes? There were a few times she spoke to John like he was a child in public and that was wrong but maybe he was acting like a child. She shouldn't have embarrassed him in public but I still don't think she's as horrible as people think she is. I always thought she was doing it because it made for good TV. I guess I think she's getting a bad rap. Maybe he was being a dick the entire time. Maybe she suspected he was cheating on her and that is why she was bitchy with him. Only they know the truth and I'm sure they each have their own truth. Just like any other couple going through divorce. From what I can see she is a very good mother. I don't know how she does it, even with help. To have that many kids would be insanely overwhelming for anyone.

I used to like John but he is not the John I saw on the show in the beginning. He is an earring and Ed Hardy T-shirt wearing man whore. He is now suddenly spotted with several different women in their 20's! There is no need for that. At least wait until your divorce if final! It's like he's gone a bit mad. Maybe being locked up for so long under Kate's thumb didn't help matters but at least she hasn't been bad mouthing him. She never says anything negative about him personally when she does interviews. She mostly just talks about her feelings and being there for her kids. She is taking the high road. He is taking the low road. Hopefully things will calm down soon and the kids aren't too messed up in the process.

Worms!

I had a dream about big fat earthworms last night. I don't remember ever dreaming about worms before.

This is what it means:

To see an earthworm in your dream, indicates that you need to go deep into your unconscious in order to unearth your hidden feelings and desires. Alternatively, earthworms symbolize little things that can be beneficial for your growth and well-being. It also represents renewal. Perhaps you need to restore some aspect of yourself.

Interesting...

I might be a step monster

I have a stepson... well sort of. He's not really my stepson. I have yet to meet him but might be doing so soon. He's my husband's son who isn't really his son. It's all so confusing. I wish I were more understanding but it's difficult to have my arms opened wide for my husband's ex girlfriend's kid. He wasn't ever married to her and he's not really his son but we call him his son and his not really son calls him dad. He has a real dad, my husband as a dad and a step dad. Lots of dads. Can't have too many I guess when your mom is a whore. Oops did I say that? Anyway, I realize that it's not said fake son's fault that his mom is a whore or that he has so many dads but jeez why is this now my mess to deal with? Oh, because I'm in love with his not really dad #2. Are you following along? I know it's confusing isn't it?

I might be meeting him soon. That is what is prompting the bitching. He is 17 and supposedly wants to come visit his dad, my husband, who is not really his dad. This is going to probably be weird and awkward. Just to hear someone call my husband dad will be strange. He (we) don't have any kids. Well, I guess we do. We have his ex girlfriend's kid. Oy Vey!

So he is most likely coming to visit soon. We are still waiting for the date and I'm starting to get nervous about it. What if he's a jerk? What do I do? How do I handle it if he says rude things to me or about me? We will have to pay for his food for a few days and take him to some fun places. Would his mother do this for my kid? Probably not. Be the better person I chant to myself when I really just want to say NO.

I hope we like each other so my heart can soften towards him and this resentment I have goes away. That would be really nice and make things much easier. My fingers are crossed.

My first tattoo!

Well, I did it! I was so nervous on our way there. It hurt but was tolerable. I don't know how people get really big tattoos. Their pain tolerance must be really high. I'm proud that I did it. I love it! I can't wait until it heals and stops being sore. It's cute!

Why?

I'm getting a cute little tattoo tomorrow. It will be my first. I like tattoos. I like lots of them on some people but not on me.

But THIS I do NOT understand...

I am not a people person... but I'll tolerate you

I don't like people. Well, I like very few people. Why is it that everyone gets on my nerves and seems fake and phony to me? I really am a friendly, nice person who will do anything for you IF I LIKE YOU. If not, you are nothing to me and I don't care about you at all. It's so extreme. Why am I like that? I would much rather like people a little bit and have some really good friends. But that's not how it is. I am so easily annoyed. Especially lately. The way people talk, the things that they do, the sounds coming from their office, the way they kiss each other's butts... oh so annoying. Makes me not like them much. I guess I don't have to like people right? I just have to tolerate them. I just have to get along with them enough to function in society. Now for the people I do like. Oh, I like you ALOT! I might even love you. You are the lucky few. I sound like such a snob. I hope I'm not a snob. Am I a snob? Oh well... I don't care what you think if I don't like you anyway. Right?

Enough bitching for today.

The Newlywed Game

I just applied for us to be on the newly revived game show from the 60's, The Newlywed Game - Season 2. Wouldn't that be funny? Hopefully I wouldn't say something stupid like the woman did in the clip below. Take a look!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_pmbJpltP4

When your boss is a weirdo

I long for the day of having a normal boss. It's been so long I can't even remember what it's like. To be said hello to and to be thanked. Wow, that would be nice. To not hear 'beep, beep, beep' and other sounds when he walks by or enters a room. What is that? Are you somehow announcing yourself or just being obnoxious? I don't need to hear 'doot, doot, doot' or 'beep, beep, beep' as you enter the room or approach my desk. Need I remind you that you are a grown man who doesn't need to resemble a cartoon character or a wacko? Sigh... lucky me.

I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the show. And sometimes I do but sometimes I just want to unleash everything I hold in on a daily basis and rip him a new one.

I guess my situation is better than my husbands. His big boss is a big something else! He is downright mean to him. Constantly puts him down. Tells him how stupid and fat he is (he's not). Makes snide comments about needing to learn and not doing anything right. What the hell! My husband is a very good worker. He has strong work ethics and always goes above and beyond the call of duty so what gives?

I guess this is what we must endure right now to survive. I remind myself that it can always be worse. We could be jobless and idiot bossless with a whole other set of problems to contend with. So, I guess for now, we will deal with what has been dealt to us and hope for some positive changes in the future.

Tattoooooo

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. I've wanted one for a long time. I never knew what to have done or if I could stand the pain. I still don't know if I can stand the pain but I know what I want. I'm very excited about getting it! Not sure when this will be. I'm trying to figure out where on my body to put it. Such decisions! This is what I want to get. It's a heart created with the letters of Rob's name. How perfect is that?

I HATE hot people!

I hate hot people! Seriously. Is this fair???


Ali Landry frolicked on the beach with her two-year old daughter Estela in Malibu this weekend.

Well good for her! I guess not everyone can be gorgeous right? I was born with crappy genes along with a love of everything that tastes good but is bad for me. Can I trade in my genes for some new better looking ones… please? Ummm thanks.

Finding the right person

My husband recently posted this on a forum page. I thought it was sweet and wanted to share.

This is something I just recently learned. When people say that when you find the right person for you that you will just "know", they are actually right. You just feel it. At 37 I had pretty much given up on looking for "the one" and settled on the idea I might just be single the rest of my life. Which I could live with, i guess. But then I met this woman that just fit with me. Even though we are almost complete opposites, we connect. And it's funny, how we can be so different and yet our idiosyncrasies just line up. I didn't have to ask myself if this was the girl for me, I just knew. So now at 41 I am married to my soul mate and happily looking forward to my future. So my advice to those who haven't found yours yet, is that you will know when you do and also, I believe that their is someone out there for you.

Awwwww

It sucks being Cinderella

It sucks being Cinderella. I feel like the ugly, unwanted step child. It didn't used to be this way. What the hell happend? I've been there longer than anyone else (except for one director) 12 years! Doesn't that count for something? NO. I am responsible, dependable and will always do what's right. Doesn't that count for something? NO. I definitely don't belong there anymore. I used to have friends at work. They all left me. They were smart and got the hell out of there. I am stuck. For now. Hopefully not much longer. The last slap in the face I got was being handed a pile of bonus checks that I must hand out to my co-workers tomorrow. Not only am I one of the few that didn't get a bonus check (or a raise this year). I have to hand everyone else their bonus checks. What the hell. Are you serious? I am supposed to just smile and be grateful for my job? Not anymore. I just can't be. I hate them. I hate one person in particular. Ever since he started working there things have been different for me. It only takes one person to fuck up your life and make you miserable. You can't tell me that everyone else deserved a bonus except for me. That's just not true. Thank God I don't know how much the bonuses are. I'm sure that would be even more upsetting. I can understand directors getting bonus checks for the extra hours they put in during conference time but not same level employees that have worked there only a few years and play games on their computers all day. Seriously, life is not fair. I really wanted to walk out today. Just quit. Not give them any notice and leave. But I am afraid to make such a big decision right now. The economy is tough. I would have trouble finding a new job right now. My husband and I have dreams and these will never be fulfilled if I give up now. We are so close. So take your fucking bonus checks and shove them up your ass! I don't want your dirty money. I don't need it. I have so much more than that in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and really great friends and an awesome Dad. That's all I need. It's not even about the money. Sure, it would be nice to have a little extra cash like everyone else to make up for the lack of a raise this year. But I am not on that list. I somehow got on the shit list. The step child that nobody likes. That's fine. The feeling is mutual. I don't like you either. I will tolerate you a little longer and then I'm outta there. I must remind myself that the story Cinderella has a happy ending. I hope that's how this ends for me. Happily.

Happy fat?

I have what they call "happy fat". I'm in love and newly married therefore I am fat and happy. I was fat before when I wasn't happy so I guess that was sad fat. I am just fat. What makes me sad is that I had lost a lot of weight a few years back. I worked really hard at it. I felt much better and I was so proud of myself. But to keep eating well and exercising for life just wasn't going to happen. Not for me. I am naturally fat. I love to eat and I have cravings for certain foods that I just HAVE TO HAVE. I'm also lazy and would much rather sit on my ass watching TV or sit at my computer and surf the web. I was motivated a couple of months ago. Even finally bought a treadmill. I have nowhere to put it so it's taking up half of my living room looking lovely facing the TV ready for use. I've been on it once. What is wrong with me? Seriously. If I can't exercise in my own living room then all my other excuses go out the door. Like I hate exercising in front of others. Or I hate going to a gym and finding parking and oh so many other excuses I have saved in my brain for instant use.

Lately my back has been killing me. It must be from the extra weight I've gained since my wedding 6 months ago. I've never been small but I was smaller at the time. I had a dress to fit in to. I had to stay the same and not gain anything until after the wedding. Well, I have! I have gained about 20 more pounds. I went a little crazy choosing to eat just about anything I wanted whenever I wanted. My husband loves me no matter what right? He says I'm not fat, I'm his beautiful wife. That is so sweet! But not at all motivating for someone that will find any excuse NOT to diet and exercise. I love him but that just isn't going to cut it.

So here I sit with an ice pack on the lower right side of my back. It's not really helping much but I don’t know what else to do. I also took some back pain pills. I hope they help! I must remember this pain the next time I want to eat something I shouldn't. Which will be soon knowing me. I must remember this pain if I'm going to ever at least take off enough weight to at least feel better. I may not look much better but I will feel better and as I age, this is very important. I keep forgetting that I'm approaching 40. What? The big 4-0!! How can that be?

I'm thinking low carb might be my best choice. Nothing too extreme because then I definitely won't be able to hack it. Low carb is what I’m going to try. And I will force myself to walk a few times a week and maybe do some stretches. That's a good start right? Nobody else is going to do this for me.

Great, now I’m hungry!

The Other Side

I've always wondered about the other side. Does it exist? Can we connect to it? Can we get the answers and closure we need from a loved one who has passed away? The answer is YES! I was one of the many skeptical people out there. I needed to see proof. It's probably just a bunch of bologna. It can't be real. Well it's REAL.

I started watching a show called Lisa Williams: Life Among the Dead at the suggestion of my friend. I didn't know what to expect but thought I'd give it a try. Wow! Was I impressed. So impressed that I looked into getting my own reading with Lisa Williams. Of course, do to her popularity, she isn't accepting appointments. Another friend of mine suggested a psychic medium named Joanna. Out of curiosity I set up a phone reading with her. I had to wait about a month for the appointment but it was well worth it! It started out slow. I thought I was getting someone else's reading. I didn't recognize any of the names she was giving me. I was completely confused and quickly getting disappointed. Finally after about 10 or 15 minutes Joanna said these are not the people you wanted to be in contact with are they? I said no, I don't know any of the names you are saying. She said she would ask them to please leave so the loved ones I wanted to have contact with could come through. I was starting to think this was all hogwash at this point and was so disappointed but I was still open to anything that might happen. Suddenly she tells me there is a female presence right above you. Spooky! I was hoping it was my mother but didn't want to get too excited. Joanna says she keeps insisting I ask you about the pearl earrings. Does anybody have pearl earrings? She won't move on until I mention the pearl earrings she says. OH MY GOD!!! I was wearing my mother's pearl earrings. I told Joanna this and then started to cry. This was real… ok, now you've got my attention. She said she says you should wear them more often. A lot was said during my reading. Some of it I didn't understand but a lot of it I did. I was able to get the closure I needed about my mother's death. She said it was over quickly and it wasn't painful. I had always wondered about that. She said she didn't blame me for leaving that weekend before she died even though she had asked me to stay with her. I had carried that guilt with me for 18 years! Do you know a Michael? There is someone who had a stroke and I keep feeling the signs of a heart attack. Michael is my boyfriend's father who died of a stroke and heart attack!!! Wow! He decides to come through and he has a few things to say. She asks if I have a sister. No. Is there anybody who is pregnant and expecting soon? YES… my boyfriend's sister is 7 months pregnant. Well Michael says he is very happy about this and he is beaming about the pregnancy. Wow… again. This is crazy! I ask if my mom likes my boyfriend. Yes, she likes Rob and Rob's dad (Michael) likes you and they really like you both together and they will be there on your wedding day. Unbelievable! Is anybody engaged she asks. Well, we have been talking about getting married next year. I tell her I got my dress last night but no official engagement. Well they will be there on your wedding day and you have their blessing. Wow again… I mean how much can one person take? It was a wonderful experience. I was sobbing though most of it by the end. I was also shaking. It was such a weird experience. A good but weird experience. It even made a believer out of my skeptical boyfriend.

Just knowing that my mother died quickly and without pain after having such a painful life is very comforting. Knowing she doesn't blame me for her death and that she likes my boyfriend is also wonderful. A gift I will appreciate for the rest of my life.


Written December 2007

Scary shit!

I just had one of my scariest moments ever! We were watching TV around 10 pm when someone knocked on our door. It's late. This doesn't normally happen. It's a police officer telling us we have to leave right away. There is a mandatory evacuation order for our building and the buildings around us because there is a guy in the building right behind mine with explosives. WHAT??? So I'm scared to death imagining a big explosion and my place with everything I own in it burning to the ground. I'm quickly trying to get dressed and shove my cats into their carriers. Husband, cats and purse. That's all I could grab. Imagine this going on in just a few minutes time not knowing what is going to happen or how long we will need to be gone or if there will even be a place to come back to. Yah I was scared to death. We carry our meowing cats (my babies) to the car and pull out of the parking structure and under the yellow caution tape being held up by a police officer. They had to close off the alley behind my condo complex. I really want to move now. Even more than before. We drive around not knowing where to go. I want to stay close enough to watch and see or hear if anything happens. I'm trying to figure out if we should get a hotel room. The cats need food, water and kitty litter. Oh this was way too stressful for me. Luckily we were only sitting in the car at the nearby Burger King parking lot for about 30 minutes before we drove by and saw that they were taking the yellow tape down and we could return home. Whew!!! That was a close one. I start crying because I'm so relieved. But now I'm sitting safely in my living room realizing there is a guy living in the building right behind mine who has explosives! What the hell? I'm wondering when he will get out of jail and if he will do anything stupid when he returns home. This is scary. Very unsettling. I just want to leave this neighborhood. It's going downhill fast. For now I will just hope and pray that nothing else happens and that we are safe and my kitties are safe. That is all that really matters in life.

The new do

I did it... cut most of my hair off. Rob's first reaction was "You didn't tell me you were doing that!" I didn't know I was doing it. I decided while I was at the salon. I needed a change. I like it! I think Rob is starting to like it or at least he's getting used to it. I sometimes miss being able to put my hair up. Hmmm what's a girl to do?

Waiting

I wait and wait for things that I really, really want. Like a new job or to just leave the one I have. I've been there for 12 years now. It is not the same job anymore. I've survived many changes over the years like my duties, bosses and desks but I think I have reached my limit of change. My job has outgrown me and I spend everyday waiting to get the hell out of there. I'm in over my head and that's the truth. I am counting down the days until I can say goodbye for good. They won't realize just how much I do until I'm gone. I wish I could be a fly on the wall after I leave. That would be awesome. Watch everything not get done. Watch them say over and over again that Tracy did that. Watch my replacement struggle to learn my job and have nobody to train them. She can listen to my new boss ask my old boss (I have 2 bosses because I'm just that lucky) at least 10 million questions a day. She can listen to her bay buddy get bitchy with people on the phone all day long and say shit, shit, shit over and over again. Actually that is kinda entertaining. She can have everybody ask her where Jeff is and tell them she doesn't know over and over again. You would think these people would learn that I really don't know where he is. He does not tell me where he is going. He never has and he never will. Get a clue! Why is it that people who have worked there for years still don't know how to do their expense report or how to fill out an out of office request form? They are not new employees. They really should know how to do these very simple things by now. It just blows me away! The best thing about my job is my paycheck and it's the ONLY reason I'm there. The minute I can break free I will. Soon??? Please...